18th birthday

"For a tree to become tall it must grow tough roots among the rocks"
Getting this tattooed on my back in 3 weeks hopefully. It will be my first. I want to get a picture of a dead looking tree with it

I don't know if I want to publish this......

It's really not that I'm doubting you love or anything I just doubt that I am high on your priority list. I want to go back to the beginning, back to when everything was okay. When I was "the lady" and everything was about me. I'm not asking to be the number one thing on your priority list, all I want is to at least be on it. I am probably going to end up not even posting this, because of how pathetic I sound. I wanted to write this whole thing without crying but that worked out to be a flop. any ways.... When we have a good day, it's a very good day. Then we have bad days of constant fighting and bickering. Bad days are BAD. I wish you knew how much days like that made me feel. Of course you will never know. It's not like you would even ask, Whenever you sense or even know some things wrong. You ask if I'm okay, and leave it at that. Of course I'm going to say I'm okay, I don't like complain to you, I feel like you just get annoyed. I wish I could have 1 day where I could be insecure and you would just let it happen. I'm sorry I feel like you need better. How am I supposed to feel? You constantly talk to girls and hide things from me. You can say you don't all you want but I know that's not the case at all. I wish you would take two seconds and see the what you've done, and how it hurt me. Actually don't, you will never admit you did something wrong. I am honestly so sick of feeling unappreciated. You hurt me with your words more then you would ever know. I really try to not let it show and so far i think I've done a pretty good job. I have given myself to you in every way possibly. I have opened up to you like I never thought I would ever be able to do. When you sit there and call me a bitch, or stupid, or tell me that I am annoying it makes me regret ever talking to you. Too bad you will never know or understand. You probably wont ever even take 2 seconds to read this. I just thought about the other day in the car when you told me you love me, and told me I was cute and I wanted to delete this. If I can be completely honest, I feel like I am back to square one, when i couldn't tell you anything and I kept everything to myself, unable to trust anyone with my feelings and my emotions. It makes me sad that I'm back to that but I feel like If I were to tell you how lonely I feel or how depressed I really am,I would just waste your time. Or you would tell me to stop being dramatic or insecure. Sorry but I am. I am incredibly insecure. I always let my emotions get the best of me. I wish I could just run away from all of my fears and insecurities. Is it a crime to want to be the only girl in your life. I feel like you play me like a puppet, you manipulate me to do whatever your in the mood to do that week, but if i ask you for something, It's too much for you to do for me, so god forbid you have to go out of your comfort zone. It seems like everything I do bothers or annoys you? Maybe you don't love me as much as you claim to. I'm done trying to make this work. If it's in the cards to be it, if not i guess i"ll just have to deal with it.

Just realized

I am an obsessive girlfriend....I was reading a love and relationship blog earlier today and it had the "symptoms" of an obsessive girlfriend so I decided to read it. I really thought I would look at it and laugh because I'm not obsessive and I come to find out I'm pretty much insane. This is what it said.....

You do not trust him completely.

You call him several times to find where he is.

You insist that he spend all his free time with you

You keep on asking him if he loves you again and again.

You suspect that he may cheat on you if you leave him on his own.

You keep track of all his female friends.

You get upset or hurt if he is late for a date or cancels a date with you.

You insist on meeting him every day.

You feel insecure even when you see him looking or talking to other girls.

You hate it when you see him adding girls as friends in social networking Sites.

You hurt yourself when he does something you do not like.

You secretly check his mails, messages on social networking sites and even him mobile.

You try spending all your free time with him.

You feel that he is your only world.

You stalk your partner to see what he is up to.

You try changing the habits you do not like in him.

You aim at getting your guy committed to you by hook or crook even if you have just started dating.

You get angry when he makes plan so meet his friends and spend time with them even if they are guys.

You try to stop him from meeting people whom you do not like.

I won't even say what all I said yes to because it's so embarrassing but I need to change. I officially have a new goal: to no be crazy. It is going to be so hard to refrain from doing all of the things mentioned in the list but hopefully he notices a change. Ugh god help me

Things to ponder:
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

God I am pathedic

Everyone wants to feel loved and accepted so why do I feel so stupid for getting worked up over it. I broke up with my boyfriend for having pictures of naked girls on his phone, I mean was that wrong? I hate porn honestly I feel like I will never be good enough like theses girls in the pornos. It is such a stupid mindset but that's how I feel. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive and jealous. I hate it when he talks to girls then lies about it. I know he would never cheat on me but it upsets me. He used to always do little details like write me notes or draw me pictures when he knew I was upset but no I never get that. Maybe he is just bored with me. We are currently broken up but i feel like he is completely indifferent if we get back together or not. Am i wrong for missing the butterflies and the feeling of floating on air. Now I am always mad about something stupid. I never feel like I will be good enough. I also understand that relationships are not always rainbows and butterflies but I just want him to care like I care about him. I tell him absolutely everything, everyone who texts me or calls me , I just wish it was mutual. I never find anything out unless I go through his phone. Like I said I feel completely worthless and pathetic.I guess I just work myself up , but then get let down. God I get so excited when he comes over after work I feel so dumb. I'm just over reacting. Hopefully time will make things okay.

Thing to ponder :
How much money, in pennies, is lying on the streets of the world?

HIghschool

I really love not being in high school. I hate being labeled as a"drop out" but that's what I am. I still go to Jel and I go to GED classes on Mondays and Fridays. It's really nice being able to wake up late and sleep at 2 in the morning, but I have to say the best part is not having to deal with drama. People make high school out to be the most important thing ever. You have to have the best clothes and you can't have a hair out of place. Everyone is going to look back in ten years and want to kick themselves for being so stupid. Sorry to break it to you kids but just because your eighteen or nineteen it dose not mean you are "grown" as I've heard some people say. You are not allowed to disrespect teachers because you are given an order, or make up your own rules. I wish people realized how brainless you all look when you snap at an adult. I don't even want to get started on most high school girls because I will be here all night. All have to say is stop whoring yourself around. You also don't have to look like you stuck your face in an oven and it exploded. There are so many beautiful girls that completely ruin themselves. I don't think I have ever many any more more insecure then high school girls. Yeah we all have insecurities but come on now don't make it so obvious. When you sit there and call other girls ugly and stupid your honestly radiating insecurities. I'm not going to lie we've all done it, I'm guilty of it. I can also admit it was due to insecurities. I always talk bad about my boyfriend's exes. Then there's those kids that are blatantly obvious about being druggies. Really? No one really cares that you smoke weed or get drunk everyday so there is no need to publicise it on facebook or twitter. Then you hear about the kids that smoke weed in their car before school or bring vodka. It is such a stupid concept but the sad part is that people actually do it. It's saddens me how people are so yearning for the acceptance of their peers.Hopefully we all grow out of it sooner then later.

Things to ponder:
If ignorance is bliss why are more people not happy?

Reminiscing

Today we a long day. I woke up around 10:30 dragging to get out of my bed like every other day, but thankfully my mom actually was kind enough to make me breakfast. I went to my internship at La Escolita. My whole intership has turned out to be a quite delightful experience. I really do love children and as much as I don't want it to be my calling, I think It might actually be. I really do love cosmetology,but now it seems to be that I am in between. I wish I could go back to being a child. At that age you want to grow up so fast,but now I can honestly say I miss it. Childhood is so spontaneous and carefree. It was nice when money was never an issue. Your problems were fitting in and hoping everyone like you. I remeber when kids would say " If you do this for me I will be your friend forever" ha now none of those kids are my friends. Well what can we do now? I guess my only option is to grow up and get my butt to work.

Things to ponder:
If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?